rebel against the box

discovered a song that makes something inside me squeeze together....cant explain it any other way. love it. 'here with me' by plumb.

i have wheels for my 2 months in canada. thanks matheson's!!!

mom was in a motorbike accident(lucky to be alive!!)... but she's hard...she got up shook off the dust and got right back on the beast again! according to my dad...'biking's not for sissy's'...so i guess it's a good thing he found my mom! luv you guys! they are crazy and thats what i love about them...they never stopped living the adventure.

i am officially learning spanish now...bought a book the other day!! i really want to do this!

a new movie has shifted to the 'top five's' slot...'frida'. amazing movie. so artistic. she is one of my new heros.

the reality that in the next two weeks there will officially be no boiler room(after 2 and a half years of hard work, tears, joy and sweat) is starting to sink in. finally. not sure how i really feel or how i'm doing. i go through feelings of total sadness and total freedom. i think i'll be glad when the meetings are all over and the final letters are written. i can close the door and move on. to what yet i don't know...i don't want to. i'll be free to explore and dream and discover and create with no boxes.

have had an amazing day today. woke up and trapsed down to barnabus to do a shift in the prayer room. really felt god's presence on the bus on the way down and in the prayer room. everytime i'm in there god speaks to me about major stuff. it's kinda becoming something that we do together now.(obviously) i trapse down to the basement and he speaks. i come expecting. nice! half way through peter brings in this irish dude who wants to set up a similart hing in belfast. he has a video camera. rats. but after the spontaneous 24-7 prayer/mission interveiw he brings me a coffee and we end up chatting about all sorts of stuff. i share a bit of my journey so far and what i think of god. random, but it was another one of those moments that make you think that the day is full of opportunities. some we miss, some we don't see the full potential in , and some we embrace and max out. i'd like to think that my eyes are open to see and max out every moment. but not sure i'm there yet. but certainly am working on that.

went to the gym...loving it. i keep having these crazy moments with god on the treadmill...i have to hold on with one hand now and look like a real plonker cause i keep falling off! how embarassing.

i feel this peace at the moment, in all the confusion of my life at present and future, that i haven't felt before. maybe i'm just listening to god more. maybe i'm embracing what it is that i am, maybe i'm just not bothered, maybe not...

my mother of all salads the other day was followed by soup today. which i made from scratch. mom's recipe. mmm. skills baby...all skills. it's tasted REALLY good! then decided to cook something new for dinner. so i made caribbean rice and beans. with coconut milk. i'm so amazing it hurts. matt actually said...and i quote... "you are officially a better cook than me now." not going to forget that one any time soon! so neither should my readers.(especially those of you who read his blog too...feel free to toss in a comment letting him not that i'm the winner! but whatever ...you know...you're perogative really.)
must say i'm am getting slightly anxious about this new trend of cooking and reading which is taking root in my life. soon i'll be wearing flowery skirts and skipping around the garden. noooooo..i cut that off right now!!

for those of you who read my blog regularily and are beginning to wonder whether i actually work, ever...fair questoin really. every now and then. i did manage to stuff 50 envelopes today in yet another attempt to communicate to churches in the city. so i'm not just a culinary genius...

this weekend was full of highs and lows. but generally highs. mainly cause cate turned 25 and we celebrated it for 3 days. loads of great food and hanging out with friends at the new house on main road. lots of laughing. saw a gig. i made the mother of all salads. (embracing my creativity.) more food and wine....mmmmm......played a lot of the "top five's" game.

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on thursday we found out that main road had been robbed: 2 laptops, 3 cameras, and a mini disc player. gutted. found out the next day that there had been 10 robberies that day in the area. busy busy busy...
we were all specifically upset about the fact that cate got both her cameras knicked...one was her dads that went around the world with him and was given to her as a present. and even tho things like that can't be replaced...we all wanted to support her in her dream of having a career as a photographer. so while she was at work we rallied together and managed to raise over £500 in about 3 hours to buy her a new camera. really amazing considering it came from people with really no cash themselves.
i was impressed. it was cool to see the expression on her face when she found out. it was the look from someone who felt truly loved.

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finished another book. "life after god" by douglas coupland. amazing. still slightly shocked and in disbelief that i'm actually reading. 2 books in 2 weeks. what's going on?

hunting for another book to get stuck into as we speak.

discovered that i'm virtually unbeatable in the cardgame "snap". and if i feel threatened i will bite. (anna?)

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felt like a new person when i wokeup this morning...i'll have to think about that one before i blog it tho. watch this space.

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had a get-to-gether to discuss what we are and what we're not in terms of the whole church thingy in the city. was cool, prayed and worshiped a lot together. andy and kat back from south africa. missed them a lot. v. tanned.

often i look at us (friends here in manchester) and wonder how we made it this far... i guess thats god's grace and fortunate sense of humour.

a brilliant day was interuppted with the news that my friends house down the road was broken into. 2 laptops were taken. they've only been in the house about 2 weeks. so frustrating!

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was doing a shift in the prayer room in town today and peter (really amazing guy in his 60's who runs the place) walks in and open the little store room attached to the prayer room and rummages around looking for something for a bit...he emerges with a black bra. he says to me, "really sorry to ask you this, but does this look like a size 36 to you?" one of the homeless girls must have needed some clothes...it was just so hilarious the way he went about it. i love that guy!

these are my thoughts while showering this morning...

in the past few weeks i've become much more aware of a few things that will change my life forever. i guess all of these things can be summed up in a word...justice.

it's so easy for us in the west to limit 'being in touch with our world' to the bubble that we've created around us. whether that be life in suburbia, or university, or the specific area of the city that is 'yours'. we read the paper, and listen to the news... but thats someone else's world...it's too far removed from so many of our lives.... so we add our two cents to the situation from the sofa and then forget about it until the next time.

yet somewhere in the back of our minds there is an uneasiness cause the truth is that we are NOT truly in touch with our world. something isn't right. the balance is upset. while people are consuming, eating more than their share, spending money on useless treasures, tossing garbage into space, arguing, bragging about their 'riches', complaining about the unfairness of our situations....while at the same time people are starving, dying needlessly cause we have all the drugs locked away in huge cupboards, suffering, lonely, homeless, women are being mutilated, children are slaves for our wardrobes, people are shot cause of misunderstanding and intolerance, children are abused and suffer in silence....

the list could continue...

it's overwhelming when you think about it...the responsibility that we have. i am living below the poverty line here in england...but i am still so wealthy. what do we do with this responsibility that we have? i guess whatever is being asked of us.... cut down on the litter, recycle, don't eat more than you should(whatever that is), find out where your clothes come from, where your food comes from...i don't know. but the madness has to stop somewhere. hmmm...

well, the saga continues....it's just getting funny now! the electrician came finally yesterday late afternoon. really nice man. after sizing up the situation for about 10 minutes...realising that it wasn't the fuses...he decided to take apart the plug sockets one at a time. the first one he looked at fell apart in his hands...dodgy. the second one was the reason for the mess! he showed it to me and it had actually started on fire inside the socket. it was a miracle that the house didn't burn down! god was protecting us big stylee this week...funny how this is the week we've been trying to pray 24-7.

one thing gets fixed and another breaks. as the groud floor came back to lofe the alarm system became active and thought it was being attacked. the whole neighbourhood was inflicted with the peircing noise for the next few moments as we scrambled around trying to figure out what to do....cause i didn't know the code!! nightmare!!!

after a few hone calls, and some quick thinking on the part of the nice electrician man we had peace...but not for long. cause the reserve battery power was recharging now which meant that the alrarm was due to go off agaiun at any time. figured out the code...but now the buttons were frozen. shit! so we are stuck in limbo...and hopefully it won't go off again until we can get it fixed! it's deafening! this house sucks money man!!!!!

microwave update....it wasn't broken after all. just being a bit stupid and it wasn't plugged into a socket that worked.

so the saga continues ...

everything in our house is falling apart!!!!!
just found out that our microwave is now broken...the icing on the cake. currently we have no power in any of the electrical sockets on the ground floor apart from one. so we have everything in the litchen plugged into that one socket. this means that we are making tea and toast on the floor, to do laundry we have to either unplug the hot water and heating or unplug the fridge and freezer.
there is something wrong with our plumbing so that when you shower or flush the toilet the downstairs bedroom smells llike poo!
the toilet seat falls off everytime you get up,
there is a hole in front of our house which people keep falling into
we don't own a vacuum cleaner so everything is dusty.
and there is far to much furniture in this house to move around. running out of creative places to put them. grrr....

there thats my little rant finished. whew.

really feel like God's saying that when i come back from christmas i'm meant to start looking for an apartment in the city centre to live. God's going to have to do an miracle if thats the case. hmmm...

well in the last few days i have experienced a lot and put my brain to work. looking back at the last 2-3 days this surprises me cause i haven't actually DONE a lot. this is on purpose as God is challenging my arse off in the whole intimacy thing...to the point of not being able to do anything but be still and pray and read and think about him. feel slightly useless to the world at times like this...with no purpose. this can either send you into a depressed state(when you look at it through the world eyes) or force you to look deeper into it all and hunt for some significance and meaning. after a day of feeling listless i decided to do the latter. and see the point to my seeming pointlessness.
i finished this book by Brother Yun that i mentioned the other day. first off i am proud of myself that i actually finished a book...and in record time! this book shook me up a lot and made me think about the church...especially here in the west. why it's so different from the church of china apart from the obvious reasons. why we don't see the same God that they do. obviously it's the same od but we don't see the same side of him. where are all the miracles, the intimacy, the trust, that they speak of happening there? why don't we see that happen here? i have a few theories. but i was mostawed byt he sheer devotion and love that they have for christ. laying down their lives without question, never buckling under the pressure or persecution. never acting like a judas. never questioning the awesomeness and power of God. they didn't seem to fear anything of this world. especially not death. i can't comprehend love like that. i just can't get my head around it. i believe it's there and i would like to understand it all but there is something in the west that seems to mask that power. the best kept secret!! i am unsettled with knowing that i'm only seeing a little of God and that i can't understand this love that drives out fear.

rev:2 - "i know your deeds. your hard work and your perserverance...and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. yet i hold this against you: you have forsaken your first love! "

this cut right through me! what we do and our ministry has become our idol in so many circumstances. but that all means shit unless we are in love with the one who saved us!

i guess this was God just saying to me AGAIN that right now is the time for me to be with him and not DO anything.

i am challenged everyday at the moment by matt . he's taking 40 days out at the moment to chase after God, learn about being an urban monk, and be...not necessarily DO. it makes sense.

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chilled out with matt yesterday afternoon. had a relaxing day chilling out in a cafe/bar and reading. explored a new street in the city centre i'd never walked down before, watched the film, "bowling for columbine". about gun control in th states. kinda like a documentary slash jackass tv. funny yet appaulingly disturbing whats happening in america and some of the attitudes of a nation with so much responsibility. the world is suffering at the hands of it all. we need to pray...not sure what else to do. maybe i'll go there and walk around and pray and then come back. just a thought. maybe not.
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stayed at maine road last night. hung out, cooked great food, drank wine...was fun. got up and showered in their amazing shower(like a big fat watering can) and then walked home while the sun was still shining. tried something new as i did this...said hi to everone that i passed on the sidewalk. not a new concept but one that noone really seems to do in these parts very much. there is a spirit of fear which resides in this neighbourhood. maybe it's the reputation it carries(drugs, robbery, gangs, shootings, notorious santiago street around the corner, etc), maybe it's the past, maybe it's so many different ethnicities living all smooshed together and somewhere along the line we all became afraid of anything different from us. sad. we as christians have peace on our shoulders, and not the spirit of fear. i'm determined to live this out while i live here. so i will walk around and smile. i'm going to say hi even when i feel it being choked and this voice saying "they won't respond, don't bother." strange that what should come so normally has to be a conscious effort.

just realised that i sent a postcard to my aunt and uncle in the states the other day, stamped it and sent it off...and forgot to put the address on it. aarrggh.... so now this amazing postcard is circulating royal mail with no destination....how annoying!

on the 4th i blogged that october 1st seemed to be a new start...well it has started rough. it's like the wheels have grinded to an abrupt halt. i can't go anywhere or do anything! i can only be still. very frustrating. but i know somehow this is right. i'm reading this book at the moment called "the heavenly man". incredible story of Yun who was persecuted, tortured, and imprisioned in china for his faith. God used him to totally transform the nation through the house church movement. totally life-changing, inspiring and a rude-awakening for us sleepy westerners! i got to the part in the book where it explains his second time in prison and he talks about how his ministry became his idol. the thing he lived for. i was shocked at how close to home this hit me.

Revelation 2:3-5, "you have perservered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. yet i hold this against you: you have forsaken your first love. remember the height from which you have fallen!"

nothing else should take the place of my relationship with God. but before you know it you are so busy DOING stuff and trying to make a difference that you forget why you were doing it to begin with cause the passion is gone. the intimacy has gone cold.

things with the boiler room are at a standstill. the ball is in someone else's court and i can only wait now to see what comes of it all. there is much to be sorted but i have to be patient. what seems like an end to the past few years will hopefully bring life in the future. seeds planted, not wasted.
i don't know what i am meant to do with my future, or what my purpose is right now. but i do have dreams and desires and passions. i'm just really praying that god doesn't pass over me. that he shows me mercy. that i can move forward free in the things that he has planned.

but until i hear his voice on anything i know i'm meant to be still.
yeish...that was all a bit heavy.

24-7 in my front room, barbeque with random people, electrical issues, slug in kitchen, new hair, new razor...smooth legs, just the four of us, matt's out...wimper wimper, weird dreams of mexican nutters, silent prayer, ikea was shut, doh!, got lost 4 times, parallel universe on the M56, laughed a lot, creativity inspired, god spoke...intimacy again. mmm...roasted almonds, called up an old friend, driving in car with random dudes eating a sausage sandwich....very bizarre, toilet seat issues, zerbert

i know the new year is meant to start in january...but i think mine started october 1st. strange.

so much seems to be changing here. and i think it's all good. everything from relationships to my future dreams seems to be taking a huge shift. i love change and welcome it. but am also feelling alittle overwhelmed by it all. i really feel like these next few months leading up to christmas are going to be interesting, maybe hard...but also a little freeing. not really sure what i mean just going to run with that feeling. learning not to second guess everything i feel or think all the time cause my experience tells me that often it's god speaking...

feel like it's been one of those years where i made a lot of wrong choices, but it's also one of those years where i learnt A LOT!!!! so for that i'm excited. learning to hear god's voice through everything. i like the sound. not always what he says and being obedient to what i hear is another story but i'm working on that. learning the hard way and maturing. like i said... it's a journey. and i feel loved through it.

"...those who sow in tears...shall reap in joy..."

"i would like you to came and develop the 24-7 prayer here in sao paulo with me. pray about it, ok? keep in touch. love you. Paulinha "
how much would i love to do this!!!! God..can i? just for a little while?

i think i'm addicted to showers.